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How to Break up a Couple Secretly

Women, have you started developing feelings for your male friend now that he has a new girlfriend? Do you have a strong attraction to the new hunk in the office whose girlfriend calls non-stop? Men, does your friend's new girlfriend just seem more "right" for you than she does for him? Or is she just simply annoying and needs to go? Your prayers have been answered with Operation Break up. Here are 6 fool-proof steps on how to break the happy couple up without being blamed--and you might get to reap the rewards!

  1. Blind Trust: You need to make sure that you become good friends with the happy couple even if it means becoming the dreaded third wheel on the weekends. You need for the person of your sex to become comfortable with your presence around his /her significant other. Do not let yourself become a threat to either of the parties involved. Let them know you are there for them, individually and as a couple. Now that you are completely and blindly trusted, start with the next phase of Operation Break up.
  2. Plant the Seeds: Even the most secure of people will begin to doubt his/her significant other's feelings if someone they trust has doubts themselves. Work on the weakest link first, the most emotional of the two. Start commenting on small, arbitrary things. For example, comments like "It sure seems like you are always paying for everything", and "He doesn't seem to know YOUR friends very well, does he", will start to get the other person thinking. All of a sudden he realizes that he DOES pay for everything in this relationship and that she NEVER even TRIES to contribute. Or, she will start thinking that the relationship is based on HIS life and friends while hers are not important.It seems trivial now, but sit back and wait and the fireworks will begin.
  3. Fan the Flame: Now that the seeds have been planted and the flower is blooming, the roots are bound to bust out of the pot. What started as little seeds of doubt should now turn into discussions and arguments between the not-so-happy couple. It is your turn to be the "friend" and the shoulder to cry on. Both will eventually come to you to spout their woes. You need to be supportive of the relationship while downing it at the same time. This is the trickiest part of the operation. Try lines like, "You two are so great together, I'm sure everything will be okay. If he really loves you he will find a way to tolerate your friends even if he doesn't like them." Or, "She's really a great girl. Put on a little weight, maybe, but I'm sure she can lose that in no time."
  4. White Flag. All of this bickering is bound to turn into full-fledged arguments out in public. With you being the third wheel you are bound to be in the middle of these glorious moments. During these fights you need to be the one to wave the white flag of peace. Separate the dueling couple, but do not attempt to fix the matter. The more they are separated the closer they get to breaking up. You, on the other hand, will be known to them as the "one who tried to help."
  5. Mercy Killing. By this time, the miserable couple will be at their wits end and contemplating life changes. This is when you swoop in and convince the one in the relationship you don't want that it is best for all parties involved if he /she just end the sorry attempt at a relationship. Once one hears it from someone else it becomes the answer that was needed. After all, you helped put them out of their misery. You are "the man" (or woman).
  6. Go for the Gold. All that is left is to wait for the appropriate time, while being a great shoulder to cry on, and swoop in for the kill. Unless you totally botched it up, you will be on the road to happy couple-land yourself.

  • Never play the "he said", "she said" game. That will ultimately always backfire if the happy couple decides to compare notes.
  • Never move in for the kill until the break up has already occurred. Otherwise, be ready for some choice words and physical pain on your part.
  • Do not EVER share this plan with anyone else around you. Your friends have big mouths. Remember that. They cannot help it. This is juicy stuff, remember.
  • Always, always, always pay attention to the behavior of the ex-to-be. If the one you try to weed out has a history of psychotic, violent, or any other behavior worthy of a restraining order, CAREFULLY consider the consequences once you become the new object of affection. If your life is threatened, call the police.

Submitted by: admin
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Added: Fri Jul 28 2006

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